bakit ba nagmamanhidmanhiran ka sa paghihirap ko sa iyo. pag nasasaktan ako. pag umiiyak ako. ano ba ang balak mo? sabihin mo ng maaga ng mapaghandaan ko. dati kang dumaan sa sitwasyon ko pero bakit ngayon hindi mo ako maintindihan? akala ko ikaw ang unang taong makakaalam kung anong pakiramdam ng ganito. pero ngayon, ikaw pa pala ang gagawa nito sa akin.
malapit na kong sumuko. natatakot lang ako.
alam mo ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo. hahayaan mo nalang ba na mawala ako? T_T
[ 2 kisses.. ]
marami akong tanong sa isip ko.. nalilito, nasasaktan, nahihirapan ako.. ano bang iisipin ko o anong gagawin ko?
kagabi humingi ako bigla ng espasyo sa kalagitnaan ng aming alitan. hindi ko na kasi alam, hindi niya ako maintindihan. puro galit o anu pa man ang bumalot as aming dalawa.
hindi na nga kami nagkikita ng madalas, ganito pa ang nangyayari..
kasalanan ko ba? siguro nga, kasi ako lang naman tong laging makulit at nagaalala. kung asan na siya, kung anong ginagawa niya, o kung sinong kasama niya.
ako lang naman tong laging nag papaalala na behave lang siya palagi.. nakukulitan na siguro siya at nasasakal. sabi niya, overprotectiv daw ako.. hindi naman eh! ang akin lang natatakot ako na baka gumawa siya ng kalokohan at masira kami. ang dami na naming pinagdaanan, marami na siyang kasalanang nagawa, inintidi at pinatawad ko siya noon, kaya hanggang ngayon kami pa rin..
pero ngayong ako ang mali, (alam ko kasalanan ko kung bakit kami nagkakaganito) pero hindi niya man lang ako maintindihan, o hindi man lang niya ako intindihin, inuunahan niya ng galit at inis.. ang hirap lang din sa akin, dahil concern lang ako sa relasyon namin at kinakausap ko siya hindi para awayin kundi para i-assure ang sarili ko na wala akong dapat problemahin o hindi ako dapat mag isip ng masama.
ang daming nanyayari kaya ako nagkakaganito. naiisip niya kaya yun?
ngayon ang sakit-sakit kasi wala siya at hinayaan niya ako. asan siya? naiisip niya ba ko? kung anong nararamdaman ko? ='(
nasaktan pa ko sa sinabi niya, na wag ko daw hayaang magbago ang pagtingin niya sa akin dahil baka pati nararamdaman niya sakin magbago rin.
dun ako napaisip, sa ganito kababaw na dahilan lang ba mawawala ang pagmamahal niya sa akin? sa mga lumipas na araw, puro inis at galit ang pinakikita niya sa akin, palagi niya kong inaaway dahil sa konting salita o kilos ko na hindi niya magustuhan. ano bang meron at ganyan ka? may bago na ba? ito ang hirap pag hindi na nagkakasama eh.. ang hirap-hirap magisip..
sinabi ko na hindi ko muna siya kakausapin, itetext o tatawagan. i want to put space between us. nasasakal ba siya? wala naman akong nakitang ginawa kong mali talaga eh. madali naman akong kausap. pero wala talaga siyang alam as kung paano ako i-handle, ni hindi ka nga gumagawa ng way para mapasaya man lang ako eh. gusto mo puro ikaw! napaka self centered mo! hirap lang ako iwan ka kasi mahal kita. at ayokong masayang lahat ng pinagdaanan natin.
pero pag iniisip ko, ako lang naman tong laging gumagawa ng way eh, ako lang tong gustong kasama ka palagi. ako lang tong hindi mapakali pag kahit text wala. ako lang tong bigay ng bigay, kahit wala akong makitang kapalit. oo mabait ka sa akin, pero hindi sapat yung iilang ala-ala na naiisip ko para dito.
ngayon nagmamatigas ka.. sa totoo lang nanghihina na ako. pero magmamatigas din ako. nakakatakot actually kasi baka matuluyan tayo. pero hindi ko talaga alam gagawin ko. natatakot ako kasi ang alam ko hindi ko kaya pag wala ka,, pero ano ba talaga ang tama?
madalas, gusto na kitang i-give up, akala mo ba? hindi ko lang magawa kasi baka hindi ko kayanin ang resulta. duwag nga siguro ako. anong magagawa ko, ikaw palang ang minahal ko sa buhay ko. alam ko naman na bata pa ako. minsan gusto ko ng makakilala ng iba, pero nakaka-guilty naman.
sa relasyon na to, oo siguro nga kahit papano mahal mo ko. nararamdaman ko naman yun, pero hindi sapat, kaya nga may maliit ka lang na magawa tuwang-tuwa na ko. ngayon napatunayan ko, ako yung MAS nagmamahal sa atin, kaya ako yung MAS nasasaktan at laging nahihirapan.
umiiyak ako sa harap mo pero anong nakita ko sayo? ilang beses mo ko pinabayaan. inexpect kong yayakapin mo ko, pero pagalit ka pang nagtanong ng, "BAKIT UMIIYAK KA PA DIYAN!?" nakakasama ka na ng loob
nakakalungkot, marami pa tayong plano, marami pa nga tayong balak puntahan this month. ngayon wala kong idea kung maayos pa natin to, siguro nga.,pero pwede ring hindi na. lagi ko namang binibigay sayo ang desisyon eh. ikaw ang may hawak ng relasyon na to, kasi ako pagod na kong alagaan kugn anong meron tayo..
kasi ako nga mismo pinababayaan mo, relasyon pa kaya na to! T_T
[ 6 kisses.. ]
yes, he is already there.. how many miles away? i dont know.. well, 23hours of riding a plane (how long that could be?)
but to the last minute he showed up on us. i cant talk to him directly, and i cant say what i really want to say, im with my guy.. what a very good co-incidence! i was in shock of seeing him in his last day here.. i felt awkward and i found no one to blame but my self..
we talked.. a typical conversation.. me and my guy was with him while he was waiting for her girl.. i really felt so sad. i was in my conciousness, i know he is leaving within an hour.. its just weird.. my mind was half paced, i miss my guy and i finally got the chance to be with them, but what in hell makes me feel that way..
it was like my guy noticed something, and his actions are really up to something.. its like aww.. i really dont know..
my guy keeps on kissing and hugging me infront of him. he keeps on saying "mahal na mahal kita..", he even said "i wanna marry you today", "i want to have our first baby now", "i want to start living with you"..
shocks! whats in him to say those words? yeah its flattering but infront of him? OMG! i just cant react. my actions were sarcastic.. i dont know.. =*( its really annoying... but i really love my guy! i think im just sad cos now, finally he left..
i texted him 6 hours before his flight. i wasnt tith my guy anymore.. i said he should take care and ill miss him. i dont want him to forget me.. just for friendship.. nothing more, nothing less.. i admit i started to feel confused, but i guess just the thought of him leaving was an enough sign that makes my mind clear..
hes not here anymore.. her girl isnt OK.. and i know, i shouldnt add pain on them.. ive been there and i know the feeling.. im not a bad person.. she is waiting till he comes back..
and im also waiting.. just to give my friendly handshake.. =)
i will truly miss you.. =(
[ kiss me please? ]
early this morning while on my way for work, i was listening to my MP3, i was listening to the song 'realize' and just felt weird for i remember someone close, who is already gonna go for about 3 days from now..
he is my friend. a friend whom i shared a lot of stories with. a friend whos been so nice. a friend who once said, he missed me and that im always in his dream. a friend who said he felt weird about it. a friend who once said he want me to be on his side. i ignored the things he says, because, first i never thought of putting some malice on our friendship, i am taken, he is taken and all four of us were friends.
i hated him for once.
but when i knew that hes going away, i cant stop feeling sad. there are times that i want to see him though. there are times that i wanna talk to him alone. but i didnt do anything. all i know is to think of my BF. for i was afraid that he might know all about this, and we may fight.
but as the days go by.. and his flight are getting too close, im being so sad. i think of him. yes i do, for a very weird reason. i miss him already. i just wanna see him before he go, i wanna hug him for once. i dont want him to forget about me.
i know this is wrong, i love my guy. and he love his girl. but i know we feel the same. maybe we jst want to be a close friend, but we never realize. its too late.
realize. a song he said he like. a song he used to sing infront of me. i didnt know the reason, but it was like, "oh, are you dedicating that song to me?"
and now, everytime i hear that song, youre the one i can think of..
i just hope that you will show up, before you go.. for we never know if we'll going to meet again..
[ 2 kisses.. ]
hindi ako napagod mahalin ka
... ngayon lang.
-hay ewan!
[ 2 kisses.. ]